after ten years
Over the past two months of blog inactivity, big things have come crashing into my life one after another. I’ve always wanted to write about them, but until now the thoughts and ideas as to how I should put them into words remain a huge, black swirl of pure unadulterated blah.
In time maybe, but not now. Give me a couple of more days.
what is it with these religious charlatans?
Last night, I chatted with an old friend through Facebook. After a few kamustahan’s, he asked me that maybe I was feeling lost and might want to find my way through a Bible study. I politely declined; he on the other hand aggressively attempted to verbally convince me.
I told him that my religious beliefs pretty much bordered on the eclectic. I mean I’m Catholic, but I don’t dismiss other beliefs, either—in fact, I respect them. I told him that. He asked condescendingly: “Even Hinduism?” [STRIKE ONE! What's with the discreet condemnation of another religion?]
The discussion became pretty intense from there. I told him that at the core of everything, what’s truly important is one’s relationship with the Lord. He asked: “How tight is your relationship? Why won’t you want to join the Bible Study then?” (translation: If you don’t join Bible Study, you can NEVER have a tight relationship with Christ.) [STRIKE TWO! No one has the right to judge one's personal relationship with God. "PERSONAL". HELLO? Look up the meaning of that word in the dictionary, will you?]
And so I told him that no one has the right to judge one’s personal relationship with Christ. His answer? “No one has the right, but the Bible has the right. According to blah blah blah chapter blah blah blah verse blah blah…. Blah blah blah commits adultery.” (WTF!? Now where did that adultery thing come from?)
The argument went on and on and on. Actually, I was trying my best to veer the conversation away from religion for HIS SAKE, and that of my sanity’s as well, knowing that it isn’t gonna get us anywhere. Nobody wins an argument anyway. But he was very persistent. I told him that he’d better use his energy helping someone else who needs saving, and he replies “Actually no, I have a lot of power.” (Like, HELLO!? Are you that dense?).
I told him politely that the last thing I wanted AND needed was a conversation on religion, and if he could kindly stop it. He goes on saying how sad he feels for me for being spiritually lost plus a gazzilion other more craps of panoramic judgments. “According to me, you are guilty of this and that without a shadow of doubt, and whatever you say will definitely be ignored, if not used against you”—those kinds of judgment. Get the picture? [STRIKE THREE! 'Nuff said.]
HOW SUFFOCATING! The last thing I needed was some lecture from another hardcore charlatan who’s so obsessed with his religion that he ends up becoming a living irony of the very concept of Christian ministry that he’s been trying to uphold. Why? He leaves me with another Bible passage before deleting me from his Friends List and blocking me from finding him in Facebook ever again. If that kind of action was his idea of being a Christian, then I fear for him. I bet the fires of hell are already catching up on him faster than he could say “Amen”.
I’m amazed at this guy, really. He voluntarily ended our four years of friendship because of a religion-related problem that he himself created. Imagine burning your own house so that you will have something to be angry about. How deranged is that? So guys, if a Venancio Jimenez III a.k.a. Shobs invites you to his Church, you pretty much already know what to expect. His Christian concept of love and friendship is about deleting his long-time friends from his Friends List, forever. That much, I’m sure.
back 2 the bonfire
Sometimes I find myself unable to differentiate between truly living my dream, and merely being carried away.
I was at the Ateneo for the bonfire victory party a couple of hours ago. After all, 16 years of my 25 years of existence on this planet had been spent in the Ateneo. If I had been too lazy to drag myself out of the house to attend last year’s celebration, I owed it to my alma mater to come and celebrate with it this time.
The celebration wasn’t as moving as the one we had which dates back in 2002—back when I was still in high school and the Ateneo Blue Eagles became the basketball champions in the UAAP Season 65—but the Ateneo Spirit present in the event was still moving nonetheless. There were some pretty neat video presentations, a few entertaining programs, a bonfire and some loud song numbers.
Being back in the Ateneo Grade School campus with all this charged up festivity happening right in front of me, memories of my True Blue life came into me like audible flashes that built to a glorious crescendo and crashed into a single, perfect tone of nostalgia.
Grade school days at the library.
Class nights.
Intramurals.
And just about every Ateneo experience.
Then suddenly, I found myself wanting to pursue a teaching career in the Ateneo.
It’s funny, I know. The combination of nostalgia, sentimentality, and a heartfelt celebration may have just worked their way into my system and got me carried away. But the thoughts of teaching in the school I have always considered home, giving back to the Ateneo, studying again (taking Masters in Education), a good and accessible work location, a very competitive compensation package and wonderful benefits make me feel quite certain about this.
While I was in the car on my way home, I actually pictured a life moderating a grade school class, teaching, moderating an Activity (gradeschool org), coaching the Ateneo Grade School Volleyball Team, taking masters in Education, and doing freelance writing on the side. It was a half-scary, half-exciting thought. But after chatting with a batchmate who works as a teacher in the AGS and getting his insight, I became more convinced that this particular endeavor might actually work well for me.
Well, I’ve sent a bunch of job applications to various companies last Friday, and by “a bunch” I mean a little over 20 or so. I just hope that I already get a job very soon. This job hunt has gone on for too long now—I don’t think I can afford to be idle any longer. And as for teaching, I’m still not 100% sure about it; it’s too early to tell and they’re not gonna be accepting any applications yet—not until December. I guess my decision will depend greatly on the job that I’ll be having before the year ends.
I wish that at this very moment in time, I could also see the bonfire as a symbol of personal triumph, but 2009 has not been a victorious year for me: too many bad decisions, unwise detours and wrong turns. I hope all of my life’s uncertainties burned away with those long planks of wood this evening, so that the next time I look at the same flames of victory, I can truly say to myself that I really am Back 2 the Bonfire.
Ondoy and the great flood
On my way home from the dentist last Saturday morning, I noticed that the clouds were unusually dark in an awkward kind of way. There was a pungent hint of madness in the overlaid sky, but a furious heaven opening up and venting all its pent-up anger unto an entire metro for two to three straight days was the last thing that I expected to happen.
The whole of Marikina area was a disaster. Ravaging flood of near-biblical proportions swept through the entire city. The glass walls of Jollibee and Tropical Hut broke into shards; computers in Banco de Oro floated on water like plastic bottles in the sea. But as always, while our neighbors were pestered by the uninvited waves, our house remained safe from the threats of the rampaging monsoon. And surprisingly, in this goddamn situation the typhoon Ondoy actually gave me a lot of realizations—realizations that perhaps I should have had earlier in life.
Back in school, I was always childish and naive—often wishing for some storm to hit us because it meant that classes will be suspended. But after Ondoy made a big joke out of my city, I’ve come to see how blessed I actually am: flood never reaches our street and never do I find myself in situations where I would have to scurry to higher grounds—even if the entire Marikina City was already submerged in water.
Having no electricity for three days also made me feel as though my life had been distorted in all sorts of ways. I realized that I’ve grown to be a victim of technology. After the incident, I could no longer imagine how it is to live without an electric fan, a fluorescent light, and a laptop that is connected to the internet 24/7. Three days of endless-paypay’s, candle-lit-meals, and nothing-to-do’s was already agonizing. If it had been extended a day more, I would’ve gone mad.
Well, there was hardly any damage to my home, except that some parts of the roofs and ceilings gave way to irritating drips in my room. The sad thing was that while I did pretty okay, many of the friends that I knew actually waded in neck-deep flood water that also rampaged their cars and homes. No matter how safe from the storm our house had been, the little drips had left behind a mark in my heart that will never make me wish for another typhoon to come and suspend classes ever again.
Kudos to the volunteers who have gone the extra mile to reach out to the victims of Ondoy. For the first time in my life, I have actually felt my heart weaken at the sight of a typhoon aftermath.
random thoughts
Last week, while I was in an air-conditioned bus to Ortigas for an interview, there was this guy who walks along the aisle from the middle seats, stands in front of the passengers, flips a bible open and starts talking about God’s Word. He utters some gibberish gah’s and a whole lot of blah-blah-snore’s before finally introducing himself as a parson from the Pentecostal Missionary Church of Christ. He ends his biblical preaching by saying the words “Because a God-lover is a church-giver”, supports his claim using some passage in the bible, and then he asks for money from all the people aboard in a very showbiz-like manner.
Despite the shame, pity, or for-the-sake-of-(whatever) that I may have felt for the poor guy at that time, I still decided to not give him a single cent. Using religion for pecuniary gains has just got to be the sickest thing.
* * *
Because the responses to my most recent job applications are taking forever and my blog entries have turned out a little depressing lately, I thought about being of service to the entertainment world and couch potatoes by writing reviews of particular TV series that—although they may not be part of mainstream obsessions (save for Heroes)—are highly entertaining and readily available on DVD at the local piracy store. I’ve been watching too much DVD’s recently; I might as well make something good out of it.
* * *
Just as the title says: random thoughts.
there are just those days
It still puzzles me how a strong outburst of rain could sometimes randomly fall in the middle of an unsuspecting, happy sunshine. It can be helpful at times, like when the prickly summer heat is already getting into your nerves. But there are just those days when everything’s perfect, except that the weather suddenly decides to be every bit uncooperative.
I don’t really know what hit me today, but the storm-mometer has totally gone mad. Perhaps, when you’ve tried so hard to suppress so much sadness by starring in a grand act, come curtain call you end up realizing how everything—your smiles, excitement and glee—was really nothing more than pretend. And once Pandora’s Box is open, all hell once cramped to fit in that small space breaks loose.
blessings in, blessings out
News have turned grim lately; the company I’ve been working for for over a week now is closing. After holding so much promise and giving me new goals to look forward to, I’m surprised to suddenly see this opportunity quickly disappear right before my eyes.
It’s sad that even the newest, most exciting blessings can unexpectedly just go poof!
It’s devastating, and I still haven’t gone past the stage of mourning.
tick-tock, tick-tock
I was reading through Carmi’s blog a couple of hours ago. After seeing all the shots that she had taken from the other side of the world, I came to wonder when, or if, I’ll ever get my chance.
To see the world and experience life to the fullest.
It’s a trite and commonplace remark, but it has always been very meaningful to me. When I was still a little boy, I was in such a hurry to grow up and be one of the big guys; I was a brat who couldn’t wait for his turn to enter the corporate playground. But when age finally caught up with me, I came to understand why one person once told me to keep a certain pace.
I dream of a life full of riches, color and adventure. I confess of having a top-ten-things-to-do-before-I-die list locked up somewhere in my head. It’s when you’re getting older that you begin to appreciate why—albeit being cliche—the villains in your favorite cartoon shows back then were desperately searching for the fountain of youth. There are so many things to do and so many places to explore in this world, but apparently there’s also so little time. Growing up with a routinary 8 to 5 existence while penny-pinching my way through a limited budget has somehow tainted my ability to see myself with the grand things I used to hope for. But of course, I still fight my way through the fog, believing that there are a lot of opportunities for us out there, waiting to be discovered.
A child’s innocence can be so fascinating—it gives them plenty of room to dream, and us, to learn from.
PBA096r436os
kismet
All of a sudden, my apathy is taken over by the feeling of missing you.
Talk about cheese.
It’s funny how a simple conversation with an old friend and a couple of card spreads can turn my world upside down, just like that.
It was overwhelming—madness ensued afterward.
It seems like you still are my sweetest downfall.
the pastor-saint from hell
Last weekend, I was at a friend’s house for a simple mini birthday dinner celebration. There were only a handful of guests; one particular young guy in his mid 20’s was a very friendly and sociable spirit who engaged me in a very interesting conversation about computer games and RPG’s. Soon enough, he led the dialogue towards the more sensitive topics of religion and faith, which simultaneously exposed his true form as an extremely nice, malevolent, horrid beast. I have my respect for all forms of religions and faiths, but this walking oxymoron was a monster who had the unabashed audacity to call himself a pastor.
When he heard from my friend that I knew how to read tarot cards, he started imposing his faith, Biblical knowledge, religious views and know-it-all-ness with nonchalant abandon. He arrogated that the tarot and even my third eye were all the works of the devil. Worse, he claimed that I did not have a personal relationship with God, that the devil was working in me. And he said all those things with a smile, as though offering some form of consolation for such an unsolicited remark in a discreet, condescending kind of way. I could’ve philosophized, theologized and debated my way through to send him running back to his mother with all his convictions shattered, but out of respect for my friend and her family (since he was their guest), I just decided to keep my mouth shut and gave him a sarcastic smile instead.
What a hopelessly demented savage Saint Beast. Imagine someone you’ve known for only ten minutes begins to question your personal relationship with the Creator, basing his judgment primarily on that 10 minute period of time that he has known you. Maybe he only didn’t understand what the word “personal” meant. But did he have to act like a mind reader, much more behave as if he knew more about me than I did? If he was by any chance claiming to “see through my soul”, then it was totally ironic because he had this devil issue about psychic stuff. He even gave the worst mention that almost made me puke: “Come to our Church, you will see the light.”
Oh, come on! Talk about hidden conversion agendas. He wanted to turn the entire birthday party into church enlistment night. Yes, he started with me and ended up trying to suck the blood out of every vulnerable soul he could find in the party.
I wasn’t even completely honest with him during the whole time we were talking to begin with; I immediately placed my guards up when I noticed where our conversation was heading to. With the mask that I wore and the prevarications that I fronted, doesn’t his deviant meddling show how he quickly comes up with false judgment? And doesn’t it reveal how all his rapport-building efforts are just mere feignings for his ultimate recruitment agenda?
At one time during his preaching moment at the birthday-party-turned-enlistment-night, he exclaimed and emphasized over and over again how Christianity is neither a lifestyle nor a religion, but a relationship with God. But then again, his know-it-all attempt to trifle and intrude in other people’s personal affairs with God was a grotesque parody of the very concept of Christian ministry that he was trying to uphold.
It’s sad that what he did still gives me the creeps until now. Sometimes, people can be too awed with something they’ve become so obsessed about that they turn into horses with fitted blinders around the eyes; they start chasing after one particular truth they consider ‘absolute’, although they fail to consider the existence of other truths that make their own concept relative and potentially flawed.
To add to that, some truths are but a matter of perspective. Other people’s thoughts and beliefs are their business and not anyone else’s. There’s a very valuable lesson that can be found in minding your own business. It shows a lot about respect.
As for the pastor-saint from hell, I hope people would see the horns at the top of his head before he could even give them the hypnotic glare.
