It was a night like no other.
Time was trampled over. Leisure was stopped dead on its tracks. Mini-speech turned out as an epitome of epic fail.
After all these surprises, I asked myself: What else could possibly go wrong? So, tired and downcast, I sought solace in the company of my bestfriend, but ended up getting 20 times more loads of crap.
Sweet. Maybe I shouldn’t have bothered to ask.
Well, it wasn’t really his fault—at least not completely. Wrong place, wrong time—those kinda things. Plus, drama just has this distinct characteristic of catching up really fast the more you try to keep yourself away from it. And, like they say: when it rains, it really pours.
Sigh.
I hope I could just go to sleep and dream it all away… but even the dark, silent dawn wouldn’t give room for a good night’s sleep.
when swift winds come unnoticed
Okay, so I’ve been MIA for quite some time. The past two months of 2010 came by so fast I could hardly keep up with all that has happened. Though apparently, 2010 did not start too well for me, either.
Strained relationships, shattered friendships, and broken trusts.
If I were to give a title for the period of January to February, it can only fall short of betrayal.
Now that it’s all said and done,
I can’t believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.
It’s really sad. More of tragic, rather. Like a brother-kills-brother story. Why some people could do such an awful thing is beyond me. I reckon it has got to be the most unexpected thing to happen, of all the unexpected(s).
Well, I never saw it coming.
I should’ve started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I’d doubt you,
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
-excerpts from Chris Daughtry’s Over You
It may seem surprising how I’ve been able to manage amidst all this nightmare. Well, I’ve learned that patience is a virtue. But really, if it had not been for the few special people who had been with me in these trying times, I wouldn’t have had that epiphany, and I would’ve already gone mad. Thank you guys, especially for reminding me not to do anything stupid time and time again. You know who you are.
I’ve come to believe that indeed, things happen for a reason, or if not, that we simply have to look closer to see the reason for everything that happens.
It’s time to move on, and I guess this time, there’s no looking back.
letting go
A reunion with my inner soul has finally propelled me to start setting sail. Now, the storm has passed: the wind is generous and the waves, gentle. I no longer have to fear being thrown around by the angry waves, of crashing, and drowning in your depths.
on the coming of 2010
2010 is just around the corner, and I’m still trapped in this stupid melancholic abyss. I’m at that point where I want to get out of here, but another part of me keeps telling me that I shouldn’t, because I may already be so close to finding what I originally came here for. Despite the suffocation, lack of direction, and the feelings of being torn apart, I still hold on. And every single day, I die.
If it were only that easy to use the head when it comes to matters of the heart, I would have risen from the ashes long ago.
after ten years
Over the past two months of blog inactivity, big things have come crashing into my life one after another. I’ve always wanted to write about them, but until now the thoughts and ideas as to how I should put them into words remain a huge, black swirl of pure unadulterated blah.
In time maybe, but not now. Give me a couple of more days.
breaking free
Tonight, the truth set me free. Not because I wanted it to, but because I was trapped in a corner with nowhere else to go.
what is it with these religious charlatans?
Last night, I chatted with an old friend through Facebook. After a few kamustahan’s, he asked me that maybe I was feeling lost and might want to find my way through a Bible study. I politely declined; he on the other hand aggressively attempted to convince me.
I told him that my religious beliefs pretty much bordered on the eclectic. I mean I’m Catholic, but I don’t dismiss other beliefs, either—in fact, I respect them. I told him that. He asked condescendingly: “Even Hinduism?” [STRIKE ONE! What's with the discreet condemnation of another religion?]
The discussion became pretty intense from there. I told him that at the core of everything, what’s truly important is one’s relationship with the Lord. He asked: “How tight is your relationship? Why won’t you want to join the Bible Study then?” (translation: If you don’t join Bible Study, you can NEVER have a tight relationship with Christ.) [STRIKE TWO! No one has the right to judge one's personal relationship with God. "PERSONAL". HELLO? Look up the meaning of that word in the dictionary, will you?]
And so I told him that no one has the right to judge one’s personal relationship with Christ. His answer? “No one has the right, but the Bible has the right. According to blah blah blah chapter blah blah blah verse blah blah…. Blah blah blah commits adultery.” (WTF!? Now where did that adultery thing come from?)
The argument went on and on and on. Actually, I was trying my best to veer the conversation away from religion for HIS SAKE, and that of my sanity’s as well, knowing that it wasn’t gonna get us anywhere. Nobody wins an argument anyway. But he was very persistent. I told him that he’d better use his energy helping someone else who needs saving, and he replies “Actually no, I have a lot of power.” (Like, HELLO!? Are you that dense?).
I told him politely that the last thing I wanted AND needed was a conversation on religion, and if he could kindly stop it. He goes on saying how sad he feels for me for being spiritually lost plus a gazzilion other more craps of panoramic judgments. “According to me, you are guilty of this and that without a shadow of doubt, and whatever you say will definitely be ignored, if not used against you”—those kinds of judgment. Get the picture? [STRIKE THREE! 'Nuff said.]
HOW SUFFOCATING! The last thing I needed was some lecture from another hardcore charlatan who’s so obsessed with his religion that he ends up becoming a living irony of the very concept of Christian ministry that he’s been trying to uphold. Why? He leaves me with another Bible passage before deleting me from his Friends List and blocking me from finding him in Facebook ever again. If that kind of action was his idea of being a Christian, then I fear for him. I bet the fires of hell are already catching up on him faster than he could say “Amen”.
I’m amazed at this guy, really. He voluntarily ended our four years of friendship because of a religion-related problem that he himself created. Imagine burning your own house so that you will have something to be angry about. How deranged is that? So guys, if a Venancio Jimenez III a.k.a. Shobs invites you to his Church, you pretty much already know what to expect. His Christian concept of love and friendship is about deleting his long-time friends from his Friends List, forever. That much, I’m sure.
back 2 the bonfire
Sometimes I find myself unable to differentiate between truly living my dream, and merely being carried away.
I was at the Ateneo for the bonfire victory party a couple of hours ago. After all, 16 years of my 25 years of existence on this planet had been spent in the Ateneo. If I had been too lazy to drag myself out of the house to attend last year’s celebration, I owed it to my alma mater to come and celebrate with it this time.
The celebration wasn’t as moving as the one we had which dates back in 2002—back when I was still in high school and the Ateneo Blue Eagles became the basketball champions in the UAAP Season 65—but the Ateneo Spirit present in the event was still moving nonetheless. There were some pretty neat video presentations, a few entertaining programs, a bonfire and some loud song numbers.
Being back in the Ateneo Grade School campus with all this charged up festivity happening right in front of me, memories of my True Blue life came into me like audible flashes that built to a glorious crescendo and crashed into a single, perfect tone of nostalgia.
Grade school days at the library.
Class nights.
Intramurals.
And just about every Ateneo experience.
Then suddenly, I found myself wanting to pursue a teaching career in the Ateneo.
It’s funny, I know. The combination of nostalgia, sentimentality, and a heartfelt celebration may have just worked their way into my system and got me carried away. But the thoughts of teaching in the school I have always considered home, giving back to the Ateneo, studying again (taking Masters in Education), a good and accessible work location, a very competitive compensation package and wonderful benefits make me feel quite certain about this.
While I was in the car on my way home, I actually pictured a life moderating a grade school class, teaching, moderating an Activity (gradeschool org), coaching the Ateneo Grade School Volleyball Team, taking masters in Education, and doing freelance writing on the side. It was a half-scary, half-exciting thought. But after chatting with a batchmate who works as a teacher in the AGS and getting his insight, I became more convinced that this particular endeavor might actually work well for me.
Well, I’ve sent a bunch of job applications to various companies last Friday, and by “a bunch” I mean a little over 20 or so. I just hope that I already get a job very soon. This job hunt has gone on for too long now—I don’t think I can afford to be idle any longer. And as for teaching, I’m still not 100% sure about it; it’s too early to tell and they’re not gonna be accepting any applications yet—not until December. I guess my decision will depend greatly on the job that I’ll be having before the year ends.
I wish that at this very moment in time, I could also see the bonfire as a symbol of personal triumph, but 2009 has not been a victorious year for me: too many bad decisions, unwise detours and wrong turns. I hope all of my life’s uncertainties burned away with those long planks of wood this evening, so that the next time I look at the same flames of victory, I can truly say to myself that I really am Back 2 the Bonfire.
Ondoy and the great flood
On my way home from the dentist last Saturday morning, I noticed that the clouds were unusually dark in an awkward kind of way. There was a pungent hint of madness in the overlaid sky, but a furious heaven opening up and venting all its pent-up anger unto an entire metro for two to three straight days was the last thing that I expected to happen.
The whole of Marikina area was a disaster. Ravaging flood of near-biblical proportions swept through the entire city. The glass walls of Jollibee and Tropical Hut broke into shards; computers in Banco de Oro floated on water like plastic bottles in the sea. But as always, while our neighbors were pestered by the uninvited waves, our house remained safe from the threats of the rampaging monsoon. And surprisingly, in this goddamn situation the typhoon Ondoy actually gave me a lot of realizations—realizations that perhaps I should have had earlier in life.
Back in school, I was always childish and naive—often wishing for some storm to hit us because it meant that classes will be suspended. But after Ondoy made a big joke out of my city, I’ve come to see how blessed I actually am: flood never reaches our street and never do I find myself in situations where I would have to scurry to higher grounds—even if the entire Marikina City was already submerged in water.
Having no electricity for three days also made me feel as though my life had been distorted in all sorts of ways. I realized that I’ve grown to be a victim of technology. After the incident, I could no longer imagine how it is to live without an electric fan, a fluorescent light, and a laptop that is connected to the internet 24/7. Three days of endless-paypay’s, candle-lit-meals, and nothing-to-do’s was already agonizing. If it had been extended a day more, I would’ve gone mad.
Well, there was hardly any damage to my home, except that some parts of the roofs and ceilings gave way to irritating drips in my room. The sad thing was that while I did pretty okay, many of the friends that I knew actually waded in neck-deep flood water that also rampaged their cars and homes. No matter how safe from the storm our house had been, the little drips had left behind a mark in my heart that will never make me wish for another typhoon to come and suspend classes ever again.
Kudos to the volunteers who have gone the extra mile to reach out to the victims of Ondoy. For the first time in my life, I have actually felt my heart weaken at the sight of a typhoon aftermath.
random thoughts
Last week, while I was in an air-conditioned bus to Ortigas for an interview, there was this guy who walks along the aisle from the middle seats, stands in front of the passengers, flips a bible open and starts talking about God’s Word. He utters some gibberish gah’s and a whole lot of blah-blah-snore’s before finally introducing himself as a parson from the Pentecostal Missionary Church of Christ. He ends his biblical preaching by saying the words “Because a God-lover is a church-giver”, supports his claim using some passage in the bible, and then he asks for money from all the people aboard in a very showbiz-like manner.
Despite the shame, pity, or for-the-sake-of-(whatever) that I may have felt for the poor guy at that time, I still decided to not give him a single cent. Using religion for pecuniary gains has just got to be the sickest thing.
* * *
Because the responses to my most recent job applications are taking forever and my blog entries have turned out a little depressing lately, I thought about being of service to the entertainment world and couch potatoes by writing reviews of particular TV series that—although they may not be part of mainstream obsessions (save for Heroes)—are highly entertaining and readily available on DVD at the local piracy store. I’ve been watching too much DVD’s recently; I might as well make something good out of it.
* * *
Just as the title says: random thoughts.
